During my time at Principle Creative, I developed a series of television talking point scripts for the president of Daniel Kids who regularly speaks on parenting issues on Channel 4 News. Each week I researched and wrote new scripts that were used on air as well as featured on several different websites.
This week's topic: Talking to Kids About Divorce
Select the "Read More" link below to view a copy of the script.
How to talk to your child about divorce and separation
Host: Divorce is tough enough on the couple going through it, but even more painful when children are involved. So how do parents put aside their issues and focus on what’s best for their children? We’re welcoming back licensed social-worker Jim Clark, who serves as President and CEO of daniel, Florida
Welcome back Jim! Nice to see you!
First and foremost, what should parents do before speaking to their kids?
Jim: Thanks Adam! It’s always a pleasure to be here. One of the most painful yet important events in the divorce process is telling your children about plans to end your marriage. For their sake, try to put aside the hurt and anger you may be feeling, so that you can make informed decisions together about what details to reveal to your children. If it’s extremely difficult to speak with your spouse, consider using a mediator, counselor, or trusted individual to help work out the details. If you don’t have this conversation beforehand, then you might wind up having it in front of your kids, which could have a lasting devastating effect. Remember that it’s important to approach the situation as a united front.
Host: Once that’s sorted out, how should parents tell their children about the divorce?
Jim: There’s no easy way to break the news to your kids. Every situation is different and the discussion should be tailored to your child’s age, maturity and temperament. If possible, parents should tell their children about the divorce together and convey one important message: What happened is between mom and dad and does not have anything to do with them. Most kids will feel they are to blame so it's vital for parents to keep providing this type of reassurance. It’s also extremely beneficial to let children know that:
-They did not cause the divorce.
-Neither parent is rejecting them.
-They still have a family even if their parents will no longer be married.
-They are still loved unconditionally, regardless of their parents’ feelings for each other.
-Some things will stay the same though other may change and that you will get through it as a family.
Host: What type of information should not be shared with your kids?
Jim: Sometimes in a hurtful situation, it’s easy to be spiteful and divulge too much information. Parents should always refrain from blaming each other and should share with children general, rather than specific, reasons for the divorce. For example, parents could explain to their child that they are divorcing because they cannot settle their arguments rather than getting into the gory details of extramarital affairs, money, or any other issue for that matter. Placing blame is not necessary and will only serve to hurt them in the long run.
Host: How can parents help their child cope once they’ve received the news?
Jim: Encourage honesty and help them to try and put their feelings into words. Both parents need to keep an open line of communication and be able to address any concerns or questions their child may have. Speak with them truthfully about what changes, like living situations, might affect them before they even occur. Also, try to spend a little extra one-on-one time and consistently check in with their feelings.
Host: What are some of the effects this will have on the children?
Jim: Your actions will directly impact your child’s reactions. Research has shown that if parents handle their divorce in an informed and responsible way, the effects on children will be short-lived, but if parents begin to use their child as a weapon or bargaining chip then that’s when they may suffer long-term serious problems. Emotional concerns, loss, and hurt following divorce take time to heal and often happens in phases. However, depressions, moodiness, acting out, poor performance in school, use of alcohol and/or drugs are all definitely signs that you need outside help.
Host: Thanks Jim! For more information about dealing with divorce and other parenting advice, please visit danielkids.com or news4jax.com.
Links:
http://www.mediationcentre.com/
http://kidshealth.org/
http://psychcentral.com/
http://www.helpguide.org/
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